Beginning Clarinetists!

A picture of me in class a few weeks ago! Man was the professor for this class great!

Resolutions?

The last two days have been excellent in many ways, the primary way being teaching/performing. I feel like I am finally losing some nervousness/gaining confidence. It is awesome and makes me very excited, because getting over nervousness leaves you freer to explore and enjoy teaching and performing.

I also had a great day yesterday, and to some extent today, because of people who being really emotionally supportive/boosting ("Positive reinforcement has made me a slave to people's compliments!"). That sounds odd, I know, and I mean it in a much less structured way than it sounds. Just a lot of compliments on teaching/performing, as well as just some semi-inside jokes which involve the phrase "I love Eden!!!"

I've been feeling really drained and not school focused lately, which has mostly to do with the fact that I haven't been sleeping enough. This is also my 5 consecutive term of school now, as I did summer school previously, so I just feel like I've been going long enough already! Unfortunately, I've still got a few months to go before the end of the term. I should try to think of some ways to boost my excitement/involvement in my studies. Maybe I should try making assignments more personal and exciting... How does one analyze Boulez's Douze Notations in a personal way? Maybe I'll use colours...

There was a lot of talk today about excitement and energy in music. I think it might've been because most people in the music school are tired and/or ill right now, so ensembles (large and small) have been... tired. But it's a good subject, and I must try to find ways to be more involved with music (like Gerry said "think that each note is a life that you are in charge of"). We did Tai Chi and jumping jacks before small ensemble today, to try to get us focused, but we were just so... tired. More sleep too, I think.

I've been too angsty about boys as well. I saw boy #1 (number assignments ARE arbitrary) today and he was so pretty, damn him. I wish I wasn't so... unsure and pessimistic about this stuff right now. It's odd that my mood about boys can coincide with my boost in self confidence and general happiness in other areas of my life. But it's been a real drain, just over-thinking issues and wishing for situations that aren't going to happen. And missing old ones (well, the situations, anyways).

I didn't intend to start this entry as a list of resolutions, but that's what it's morphed into. Perhaps I should go and get started on them.

Love.

Untitled

Here are my completed lyrics!

~

When the day comes down
and the mist recedes.
When our eyes start to believe
what they see.

We stumble to explain
(oh your little pleasures)
Caressing victory
(skin on skin, pound of flesh, you'll get yours oh my love)
Terms are tools, prop them up,
build debris.

And your words... win again. (X4)
And your words... were all I had to believe.

And the pale light of the morning (morning)
offers no conception of what's perceived.
So I set aside the paper, touched, tainted with your love
and it lets me breath.

~

And when I said "it sounds better in context" in the last post I meant musical context more than verbal context.

Maybe one day it will be recorded (or sometime this week). But for now I have to practice my conducting for classes. Find and listen to Timothy Broege's Headless Horsemen or Sinfonia V to see what my life is like right now (where you would find them, I don't know).

~Eden

(lyrics updated February 26, 2007)

Religious Text

I realized recently that I've been spending a lot of time talking about boys, crushes, etc., with my flatmates (mostly Andrew and Alia... Al has yet to get to "girl talk" stage with me). I told this to Andrew after a long conversation about my frustrations and he mentioned that most people *do* think about/talk about these sorts of issues a lot, it's just that I haven't been single for quite a while. I guess it is true, and as long as I am causing no harm or annoyance I suppose it's allowed.

I was reading over my recent blog entry and noticed the comment about not liking the connotations of the label "single." I realized this in full this weekend. My primary group of friends (other than my flatmates and my school-going acquaintances) is a group of guys, most of whom live together. Although all of the boys in the house right now are single, I feel safe with every one of them. It feels as if everyone (excepting of course my ex-person) has a dual way of thinking of me; I am at once "one of the guys" whilst also being a girl and ultimately available.

Then a friend from Toronto moved in to live with them, and suddenly I realized what it is like to not be considered "one of the guys" (side note, if said boy is reading this blog, please do come and talk to me instead of only gleaning what you can from this). It's odd, and there are very few ways in which I can prove or explain how I feel his perception of me is different from everyone else's, but it borders on me feeling objectified.

Which is a pity, really, because he seems like an awesome person. He's just an awesome person I've only known for three days who has come in and confused a social situation in which I was momentarily taking solace after the end of a long-term relationship.

You can see how I would be conflicted about the idea. And how it would make me sad that I am possibly pushing away a good opportunity because I am still unsure of my conception of self and my emotions.

And now for some lyrics I wrote recently that have nothing to do with the above situation (honestly):

And the pale light of the morning morning
offers no conception of what's perceived.
So I set aside the paper, touched, tainted with your love.
And it lets me breath.

I like it... but it's more effective in context.

~Eden