Resolutions?

The last two days have been excellent in many ways, the primary way being teaching/performing. I feel like I am finally losing some nervousness/gaining confidence. It is awesome and makes me very excited, because getting over nervousness leaves you freer to explore and enjoy teaching and performing.

I also had a great day yesterday, and to some extent today, because of people who being really emotionally supportive/boosting ("Positive reinforcement has made me a slave to people's compliments!"). That sounds odd, I know, and I mean it in a much less structured way than it sounds. Just a lot of compliments on teaching/performing, as well as just some semi-inside jokes which involve the phrase "I love Eden!!!"

I've been feeling really drained and not school focused lately, which has mostly to do with the fact that I haven't been sleeping enough. This is also my 5 consecutive term of school now, as I did summer school previously, so I just feel like I've been going long enough already! Unfortunately, I've still got a few months to go before the end of the term. I should try to think of some ways to boost my excitement/involvement in my studies. Maybe I should try making assignments more personal and exciting... How does one analyze Boulez's Douze Notations in a personal way? Maybe I'll use colours...

There was a lot of talk today about excitement and energy in music. I think it might've been because most people in the music school are tired and/or ill right now, so ensembles (large and small) have been... tired. But it's a good subject, and I must try to find ways to be more involved with music (like Gerry said "think that each note is a life that you are in charge of"). We did Tai Chi and jumping jacks before small ensemble today, to try to get us focused, but we were just so... tired. More sleep too, I think.

I've been too angsty about boys as well. I saw boy #1 (number assignments ARE arbitrary) today and he was so pretty, damn him. I wish I wasn't so... unsure and pessimistic about this stuff right now. It's odd that my mood about boys can coincide with my boost in self confidence and general happiness in other areas of my life. But it's been a real drain, just over-thinking issues and wishing for situations that aren't going to happen. And missing old ones (well, the situations, anyways).

I didn't intend to start this entry as a list of resolutions, but that's what it's morphed into. Perhaps I should go and get started on them.

Love.